Survival of the Fittest: Video Edition

I am artificially keeping Kitten alive.  No, this does not mean that I have Kitten hooked up to some sort of cat life-support system with a morphine drip and feeding tube (though I have given Kitten morphine before).  What I mean is, that there is no chance, not even a sliver of a possibility, that Kitten could live in the wild (urban or otherwise).

I know I have written on similar topics before. Select examples include: Kitten has an Intellectual Disability,  Kitten Almost Died, RIP Cheap Entertainment Unit Door, and 5 Reasons Kitten would not Survive the First Week of a Zombie Apocalypse.

But I still feel like without some concrete evidence, it is difficult for people who do not personally know Kitten to fully grasp how dumb he is.

To help you better understand the level of Kitten’s inability to function as a living being, I have compiled this brief and very incomplete video collection of Kitten’s shortcomings.

Kitten loves to chase things, however, he has little concept of how to come to a proper stop and also forgets very quickly why he was running in the first place.

This is how Kitten eats.  It involves a lot of weird jerky head movements and inability to actually get any food in his mouth.

Kitten will not let me brush him and since the following is his idea of bathing, he ends up covered in mats, necessitating stupid haircuts.  Please note that this is actually the full extent of Kitten’s concept of what constitutes appropriate personal-hygiene measures.

Kitten does not understand object permanence (or in this case, world permanence).  To be fair, neither do babies.  But, even minimally sentient beings often understand that they can escape from underneath blankets.  Kitten does not.  If you put a blanket over Kitten, he will stay they until you take it off.  He accepts that warm darkness has become his life, and at a certain point will begin to welcome it.  That point is at 1:29 in this video, where Kitten begins to purr in his dark sanctuary.   

In the same vein, Kitten simply does not get what is happening when you put something as small as a washcloth over his face.  It is basically the end of the world.

Kitten has a love-hate relationship with cat toys.  He loves to chase them, but has an irrational fear of being chased/attacked/murdered by them.  He doesn’t understand the concept of “play.”

Bags. Kitten loves bags. I know I have said this many, many, many, times (and once more).  But Kitten’s favourite home has always been and forever will be, a crusty paper bag.

It is basically a miracle that he remembers to breath.

The Storm is Coming

Sandy is on her way.

If you live in Toronto, this means some garbage cans are definitely going to get blown over and umbrella sales are going to skyrocket.  If you are me, this means catching up on laundry (so all of my sweatpants are clean) and making sure all of my favourite TV shows are queued up.  

It also means that I am cooped up inside, forced to study, and therefore driven to the height of my procrastination tactics: Kitten blogging. 

In summary: Kitten is still alive.  His is still a cat.  He is still angry.

His fur has also grown in quite a bit.  

He went from this:

To this (I call it, "Angry Mangy Lamb"):

And is now close to full fur capacity.

Unfortunately, long fur means Kitten needs to be brushed regularly to prevent him from becoming a matted monster.  

Exhibit A:

I will be honest; I hate brushing Kitten and I will put it off as long as possible.  He is mean and he is strong and he has no reservations about clawing and biting my arms to a pulp. 

This is how I usually attempt to brush Kitten:

Luckily, I have a friend who is willing to look past all of this for the betterment of Kitten's hygiene. 

Remember my Kitten-sitter, Elena?  

She is an absolute doll and helps me brush Kitten anytime she comes to visit.  I pin down his little cat arms and cat legs and she brushes his tangled coat like the future of humanity depends on it.  I'm not sure if she does this out of friendship, a feeling that she has some obligation to Kitten as a past-caregiver, or if she has a misguided (and likely unrequited) love for Kitten.  Regardless of her motive, I appreciate the help.

Thanks again Elena, for having the courage I do not. 

In other news, I picked up some cat-tunnel-ball-toy-contraption from the dollar store.  

Kitten liked it for about 30 seconds before he bored with it. 

At first he was all, "Mmmmm balls."

But then he was all, "Tunnel of balls, you are no fun."

I call this one "00-Kitten", because I am witty.

That's all the Kitten blogging I can muster for now.

Wherever you are, I hope the storm passes you safely and the only casualty you suffer is a cosy night in on the couch with a cup of hot tea or cocoa.  As a parting gift, here are some pictures of Kitten looking stoically out the window at the rain. 

Were you going to eat that?

I've said this many times, but Kitten is a jerk. 

He has zero manners.

From knocking highlighters off the table, to eating my food when I am not looking, to walking on my face while I sleep, Kitten has no boundaries.

He is a rude, unhygienic, furry roommate who refuses to pay rent or help out with any chores. 

This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis:

Kitten Almost Died

Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, but last night I was pretty convinced Kitten was dying. 

Kitten has always ground his teeth from time to time, but last night, he went insane. At first I would catch him grinding his teeth here and there and I would yell at him to stop. But he just just kept doing it and it kept getting louder and louder. When I tried to get near him he would absolutely freak out, do one of his crazy mid-air flips and run away faster than I even knew Kitten could run. I tried giving him some treats to see if he would eat. He ate them up just like normal, but as soon as he was done, went right back to grinding. 

I did what I always do in situations where I am convinced Kitten, Boyfriend or I are dying -- I googled it. 

This did not help.

In case you are wondering, cats grind their teeth when they are having trouble swallowing, when they have tooth pain or an oral infection and pretty much any other time they are in some immense type of pain, including: abdominal pain, nausea, inflammatory bowel disease, pancreatic disease, cholangiohepatitis, gastritis, hypokalemia, rabies, bartonella, brain tumors and peripheral nerve neuropathies.

At this point I was going to go with nausea or brain tumors.

After a brief moment of panic, I called the only 24hr emergency animal clinic where I frantically explained to the receptionist that my cat would not stop grinding his teeth. He was very patient and polite, but essentially told me that it might be nothing or it might be something life threatening and that it was my choice to bring him in. Great.

In a last ditch attempt to save Kitten myself before packing him into his bag and lugging him over to the clinic at 11:00pm, I decided to rub his throat. I was pretty sure he was not having problems swallowing, but I figured it couldn't hurt.

While stroking his throat, I saw it. Kitten, the fabulously evolved creature that he is, had gotten a large segment of his neck hair stuck between his back teeth and lodged in his throat. I pulled it out and immediately the grinding stopped. After freeing the hair, a wave of relief came over me, my cat was not dying, he is only intellectually disabled.

This is a picture that I took quite a while ago of a much less life-threatening neck hair in mouth situation.

5 Reasons Kitten would not Survive the First Week of a Zombie Apocalypse

Should a zombie apocalypse strike, I assume Boyfriend and I would flee the city to campout in some forest or rural village. While I would like to think that we would take Kitten with us, the truth is, he would probably slow us down.

1. He has ZERO Hunting Skills

Being alone, Kitten would need to find his own food. While this might not be a problem for most cats, I guarantee it would be for Kitten. First of all, Kitten has trouble eating from his food dish on a normal day. His face is just the wrong shape. It is very difficult for him to get his flat face into a dish that is not flat. You think Boyfriend and I would get him a dish more conducive to his face shape, but we find we are better able to maintain his weight this way (that was a joke, we are actually just too lazy). 

Secondly, Kitten is very picky about what he eats. He likes cheese, pizza, soup, and Nibs. These things are not readily available to cats without the assistance of a loving owner. Basically Kitten would starve.

2. Kitten has Horrible Personal Hygiene

For the longest time I wondered why Kitten never got hairballs like other cats, especially considering the amount of fur he has. Eventually, I realized it was because he never actually cleans himself. Anytime Boyfriend and I go away for a long-weekend, we always return home to a matted, greasy disaster. Kitten needs to be brushed constantly and also needs to be bathed to compensate for his own self-neglect. I honestly believe that Kitten would develop some fungal infection, or something along that line, within a week of being left alone. 

Kitten also has this thing where he gets very goopy eyes. He needs to have his eyes wipe by me or Boyfriend a minimum of once a day. I think before the fungal infection ever even got to him, his eyes would goop over completely and blind him.

3. Kitten is Incredibly Lethargic

I understand that most cats like to nap; I mean they do have their own saying about it. But Kitten, he doesn’t even nap. He just lies in various places around the apartment in whatever position he happened to fall in. You can nudge him, and push him, and “gently” kick him all you like, but he won’t budge. 

I am pretty certain that Kitten would prefer to let Zombies trip over him instead of actually moving. He would be dirty and hungry, but he would just lie there waiting for food to come to him. It wouldn’t.

4. Kitten is Terrible at Hiding

You know how when you play hide-and-seek with really small children they can’t grasp the concept that even though they can’t see you, you can still see them? Let’s just say that Kitten and two year olds have more than just bad hygiene in common.

There is no possible way that Kitten would be able to successfully hide himself from predators, and by predators I mean the billion dogs that live in my apartment and will have formed a hunting pack within the first week of the apocalypse, undoubtedly led by the small wiener dog on the first floor.

5. Kitten is not Afraid of Things that Try to Eat Him

Okay, Boyfriend and I are the only things that have tried to eat Kitten. I mean I can’t vouch for the vet, but I am pretty sure the vet has not tried to eat Kitten. However, I still feel that this is a major evolutionary flaw that could be the ultimate downfall of Kitten.  

(Please see my first post for a picture of Boyfriend trying to eat Kitten -In the Beginning...)

Kitten and Personal Hygiene

It's the night before the big contracts exam, so what am I doing? Posting a Kitten blog of course!

As I have mentioned before, Kitten has a personal hygiene problem. He doesn't quite know how to bathe himself properly (I think he gets this from Boyfriend), so from time to time, he needs a bath. The one thing Kitten does have in common with other cats is his intense hatred of being wet. Unfortunately for Kitten, being wet isn't the only horror he sufferers when getting a bath. Kitten also needs to be blow-dried afterwards. If he isn't, he gets mouldy and matty, and we try to avoid letting mouldy matty things live in out apartment with us. If there is one thing Kitten hates more than being wet, it's the hair-dryer.

For all of my fellow studiers I hope you get a moment of joy out of this. 

I think he might want out.

This is what needs to be done to dry Kitten. We have to wrap him up and dry him bit by bit so he can't escape. Sometimes he does, and then he retaliates. It's best just to make sure he doesn't escape until it's over.

 I saved my favourites for last!