Study Sessions: Kitten and The Blonde One

Welcome to a very special edition of the Kitten Blog.  

Today's post is a recap of my exam study sessions!  

Now, hear me out.  I know that might sound even more boring than watching paint dry, grass grow,  any baseball game, etc., but you would be wrong.  To help me make it through exam time without losing all sanity, I frequently invited friends over to study with me.  This led to many ridiculous Kitten/friend interactions, which I thoroughly documented.

A lot went down during exams, so I'm going to share my stories in two posts.  Here's the first:

Kitten and The Blonde One

Let me give you some history about The Blonde One.  One time, I took Kitten to the Blonde One's house when my apartment was under some repairs and I couldn't have a cat hanging around.  Kitten did not have a good time. 

At The Blonde One's house, Kitten hid behind the couch or under the bed the entire time.  When I went to retrieve him, he had to be lured out from under the bed.  Apparently, he had not used the litter box once... in three days.  I don't even know how this is possible, but she never did find any accidents, so I can only assume Kitten absorbed everything during that time.  

Now, you would think this incident would traumatize Kitten and instil a fear of The Blonde One in him.  It did not.

Kitten immediately took to his weird humping routine with her.  

Pictures aren't good enough? Here is a video of the deed going down.

This isn't the first time that Kitten has been weird with my friends, and it sure wasn't the last time this happened during exams (but I'll tell you more about that in my next post).  Below you can see that once he is done using my friend, he has a tendency to go and expose himself somewhere nearby.  Like, close enough they can see, but not so close that it is 100% obvious that he is doing it for their benefit.

If you are super interested in the whole weird process, here is a video of what happens after the humping.  And it literally happens every time. No jokes.

After Kitten's seduction attempt failed, he decided to check out some shit outside.  

This was all fine and dandy until The Blonde One thought it would be funny to get back at Kitten for violating her.

As if that wasn't enough, The Blonde One then decided that Kitten was the perfect tool to clean my windows with.  Though, I can't really argue with her.  He did a pretty damn good job.

To be fair, Kitten deserved this.  

Like I've said before, he can be quite the jerk (I'm going to give some more detail about this in a future post), and it's really only karma coming for him.  

He also needs to learn that his behaviour around my friends is wholly inappropriate.  I mean, if Kitten were a person, he would be charged with a criminal offence for his actions. Unfortunately, Kitten is dumb and cannot grasp the concept of social norms, let along object permanence. 

After The Blonde One used Kitten as a window cleaner, she decided to try to play with him.  However, her concept of "play" seemed to be chasing Kitten around in a frenzied way, causing him to become quite agitated and panicked.  

Here is the video I took before I started yelling at her to stop:

Well, that was the post about The Blonde One.  

Next post I'll tell you all about Kitten's study adventures with Elena.  Elena is much kinder than The Blonde One. Instead of tormenting Kitten she helped him with some personal higiene issues and actually played with him.

Sadly, kindness tends to go unnoticed by Kitten, who humped her as well. 

Clementines and Pigeons

Happy December 2nd my friends!

Despite that it is home to both Christmas and my birthday, December is by far one of the most depressing months of the year for me.  Anyone who is still finishing some form of postsecondary education knows why December is a depressing month.  And for those of you who are unfortunate enough to have your birthday falling anywhere from... I would say today until the 21, are very aware of my pain. 

Even if you personally don't have any exams on or right after your birthday, and are free to go out and have some fun, you are pretty much guaranteed to be having a party of one.

Anyway, today I am not going to tell you anything new about Kitten.  I noticed that there are a couple of post that I wrote a while back that didn't get a lot of attention that I think are quite funny.  

If you missed them, take a look!

... and they came and they left tokens of their appreciation.

This is the story about how a loaf of bread from a failed attempt to make a sandwich out of Kitten turned my balcony into a mecca for pigeons.

Clementine: Tasty Treat or Enemy?

This is a video of Kitten eating a clementine.  He manages to pick it up with his paw to lick it.  It is weird.

[Fun Fact: On this day in 1969, the Boeing 747 made it's debute -- In case you cared]

Were you going to eat that?

I've said this many times, but Kitten is a jerk. 

He has zero manners.

From knocking highlighters off the table, to eating my food when I am not looking, to walking on my face while I sleep, Kitten has no boundaries.

He is a rude, unhygienic, furry roommate who refuses to pay rent or help out with any chores. 

This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis:

Freedom!

I'm back! Exams are done and I could not be happier.

Kitten stuck by my side, even when I yelled at him for knocking my highlighters on the floor and chewing on my summaries. 

But even Kitten started getting a little impatient with all of my studying...

At first, he tried lying on things that I needed, even though it was clearly very uncomfortable for him. 

Yup, I need that.

When he realized that I would not hesitate to move him off of the things that I needed, he resorted to giving me the stink-eye while I studied.

This was on the other end of the stink-eye.

And when I ignored the stink-eye, he tried convincing me that he was depressed. But I would catch him trying to secretly play with a ball and I knew the depression thing was just an act to guilt me into paying attention to him.  

After exams ended, I took the first day off to sleep until an excessively late time of the day (for me at least). This did not impress Kitten. Kitten had gotten very used to me waking up early and feeding him before I started studying.

Kitten tried may things to convince me to get out of bed that morning. First, he lay uncomfortably close to me, so that when I opened my eyes he was approximately two inches away from my face, staring right at me.

This did shock me a bit, but only enough to convince me to rise to use the washroom. Kitten practically flew to the kitchen when I got up, but when he realized that the kitchen was not my destination, he sulked back to the bedroom.

Next, he tried meowing halfway between the bedroom and the kitchen. I only find this funny, because not only does he never meow for long periods of time, but because his meow sounds like some sad squawk. He never really got the hang of meowing.

After this, he headed back into the bedroom to walk around/on my head and shortly after bit my arm. But this was my first morning off and I was not going to break.

His final attempt was to open the curtains by jumping up on the window ledge and pushing them to the side a bit. This was frustrating.

I am proud to say, Kitten did not win. I won. I slept in and fed him when I was ready to. It was a proud moment.

(Please note that Kitten had dry food at all times. Kitten just wanted wet food. My laziness did not lead to any actual deprivation.)

That's all for now, but I will leave you with these pictures of Kitten investigating my attempts at making my apartment a little bit prettier. He gets confused by new things.

While I'm Writing My Exam...

Okay, so something went wrong and I am having to post this now. But this is what I intended...

--------------------------

Guess what?

I am writing my exam RIGHT NOW.

That's right; I am in a classroom, writing my first exam of the term.

Now before you jump to the conclusion that I am the worst student ever to live, let me explain: This is a scheduled Kitten Blog, meaning that I wrote this on Sunday night, but had it scheduled to be published smack dab in the middle of my exam.

I thought I should use such a post to ponder how Kitten might spend his time while I am off spewing out more facts about corporations than anyone should ever really even know.

This is how I imagine his day is going:

Kitten will probably start off his day by lying on my bed, and rolling around a bit to make sure he gets his fur everywhere.

Afterwards, he'll probably go use the litter...

...and then have a drink from his Kitten Fountain.

Next, I imagine he will lie on the back of the couch, and distribute fur all over it too.

He will probably get bored of soft surfaces, like the bed and the couch, and move to harder ones, like the filing cabinet.

By now, he will want to go lie in...

... a couple of awkward positions.

And one more for good measure.

Kitten will then realize that he hasn't eaten in a while, and will go lie by his food bowls in hopes that his mere proximity to them will conjure the glory that is canned food. It won't. It never does.

After realizing that he can only eat dry food until my return, he will go and investigate the pigeons.

And then go back to the bed to get a bit more fur on it before I get home.

Kitten Inc

In keeping with my short and sweet posts, here was Kitten's contribution to my scholarly endeavours yesterday:

EXAMS!!!!

It is definitely well into exam crunch time and this year, I am trying a new strategy; I like to call it "Not-Wasting-All-Of-My-Time-Posting-Kitten-Blogs-When-I-Should-Be-Studying."

Now before you get your panties in a bunch and turn all accusatory-like and tell me that I am in fact wasting my time on this very Kitten blog; hear me out!

This is a very haphazard, horribly written, disaster of a post that has taken me a total 15 minutes to throw together. For the next two weeks, there will be many Kitten blogs like this, which will be posted to achieved two objectives: (1) To not waste my time posting elaborate Kitten blogs in order to stick to my new strategy; but also (2) to provide some form of exam relief for my fellow friends and classmates that have come to rely on Kitten during this horrible, cruel time of the year.

I love you all; so here a a few random pictures of Kitten, just being Kitten:

Blerp.

Kitten's favourite position.

Someone doesn't like camera flashes.

He was stuck. This happens.