Study Sessions: Kitten's Best Friend

Good Afternoon Everyone! 

Last week I wrote about one of my friends who came over to study with me during exams and ended up tormenting Kitten (he liked it).  As promised, this week's post is about my study sessions with Kitten's best friend, Elena.

Kitten and Elena go wayyyyy back. All the way back to this past June (and for a cat, that's like, pretty far back). Elena came to cat-sit Kitten while   I was away over the summer (not to be confused with my other cat-sitter, Lindsey, who blogged about her Kitten-sitting experiences on her own blog: Happy or Hungry), and the two of them had a totally fab time and Kitten totally did not try to molest Elena or anything.

Suffice it to say, Kitten is very close with Elena.

Maybe too close.

Yes, it is true that Kitten makes it a personal goal to hump every visitor I have.  

But he always make an extra special effort with Elena.  

It's okay, Elena likes it.

In addition to being a phenomenal study-buddy for me and sexual outlet for Kitten, Elena also took it upon herself to get some Kitten grooming in during one of our study sessions. I believe she said, and I quote, "Oh my god! Look at his eyes! They are disgusting!!! That is so gross! Why don't you wipe his eyes!?!?! There is crust EVERYWHERE!!! OH GOD!!!" To which I replied, "Here's a tissue, knock yourself out."

Yes, Kitten's eyes get really goopey. Cat eye crust is just one of the many joys that come hand in hand with owning a designer pet. It's not that I don't ever wipe Kitten's eyes, it's just that they need to be wiped ALL THE TIME. It's ridiculous, like use your paws or something to do it yourself. Admittedly, sometimes the eye goop does get pretty bad.  But I always notice when it gets bad, because Kitten starts to wink at me. 

Despite Elena's kindness, Kitten was still a pretty big jerk, eating our food and lying right in the way of things.

What came next, I have a hard time defining. Elena called it "play", whereas I would classify it as "intent to harm". Elena started to "play" with Kitten and seemed to be under the impression that he was "having fun".  I'm pretty sure he just wanted her to stop and would have chewed her hand off to make that happen. But you can take a look at decide for yourself.

It started like this:

 

And progressed to this:

Here are the videos.  I think Kitten's eyes say it all.

I should say, Elena wasn't my only friend to visit during exams. The lovely Kasia also joined us.  This was Kasia's first time meeting Kitten. She warned me before hand that she was NOT a fan a cats.

When she first got to my apartment, she stopped at the door to take her boots off. Unbeknownst to her, Kitten was coyly watching her from around the corner.  She was none too impressed to look up to see some pervy cat watching her.

The first day she spent at my place, she did not warm up to Kitten. He was creepy, she wasn't into it. It probably didn't help his cause that he would spend long periods of time by her feet just staring at her, probably thinking, "Can you please move into a better position so that I can hump you?"  

However, the second day she came, Kitten somehow turned Kasia into, maybe not a Kitten-lover, but at least a Kitten-tolerator. Ultimately, a victory. 

In retrospect, I probably could have summed up this entire post in a few words:

Kitten still pervy.

Elena really, really loves him (and no one knows why).

Kasia doesn't, like, totally hate him anymore.

Then Kitten turned into an owl:























The End.

Study Sessions: Kitten and The Blonde One

Welcome to a very special edition of the Kitten Blog.  

Today's post is a recap of my exam study sessions!  

Now, hear me out.  I know that might sound even more boring than watching paint dry, grass grow,  any baseball game, etc., but you would be wrong.  To help me make it through exam time without losing all sanity, I frequently invited friends over to study with me.  This led to many ridiculous Kitten/friend interactions, which I thoroughly documented.

A lot went down during exams, so I'm going to share my stories in two posts.  Here's the first:

Kitten and The Blonde One

Let me give you some history about The Blonde One.  One time, I took Kitten to the Blonde One's house when my apartment was under some repairs and I couldn't have a cat hanging around.  Kitten did not have a good time. 

At The Blonde One's house, Kitten hid behind the couch or under the bed the entire time.  When I went to retrieve him, he had to be lured out from under the bed.  Apparently, he had not used the litter box once... in three days.  I don't even know how this is possible, but she never did find any accidents, so I can only assume Kitten absorbed everything during that time.  

Now, you would think this incident would traumatize Kitten and instil a fear of The Blonde One in him.  It did not.

Kitten immediately took to his weird humping routine with her.  

Pictures aren't good enough? Here is a video of the deed going down.

This isn't the first time that Kitten has been weird with my friends, and it sure wasn't the last time this happened during exams (but I'll tell you more about that in my next post).  Below you can see that once he is done using my friend, he has a tendency to go and expose himself somewhere nearby.  Like, close enough they can see, but not so close that it is 100% obvious that he is doing it for their benefit.

If you are super interested in the whole weird process, here is a video of what happens after the humping.  And it literally happens every time. No jokes.

After Kitten's seduction attempt failed, he decided to check out some shit outside.  

This was all fine and dandy until The Blonde One thought it would be funny to get back at Kitten for violating her.

As if that wasn't enough, The Blonde One then decided that Kitten was the perfect tool to clean my windows with.  Though, I can't really argue with her.  He did a pretty damn good job.

To be fair, Kitten deserved this.  

Like I've said before, he can be quite the jerk (I'm going to give some more detail about this in a future post), and it's really only karma coming for him.  

He also needs to learn that his behaviour around my friends is wholly inappropriate.  I mean, if Kitten were a person, he would be charged with a criminal offence for his actions. Unfortunately, Kitten is dumb and cannot grasp the concept of social norms, let along object permanence. 

After The Blonde One used Kitten as a window cleaner, she decided to try to play with him.  However, her concept of "play" seemed to be chasing Kitten around in a frenzied way, causing him to become quite agitated and panicked.  

Here is the video I took before I started yelling at her to stop:

Well, that was the post about The Blonde One.  

Next post I'll tell you all about Kitten's study adventures with Elena.  Elena is much kinder than The Blonde One. Instead of tormenting Kitten she helped him with some personal higiene issues and actually played with him.

Sadly, kindness tends to go unnoticed by Kitten, who humped her as well. 

Clementines and Pigeons

Happy December 2nd my friends!

Despite that it is home to both Christmas and my birthday, December is by far one of the most depressing months of the year for me.  Anyone who is still finishing some form of postsecondary education knows why December is a depressing month.  And for those of you who are unfortunate enough to have your birthday falling anywhere from... I would say today until the 21, are very aware of my pain. 

Even if you personally don't have any exams on or right after your birthday, and are free to go out and have some fun, you are pretty much guaranteed to be having a party of one.

Anyway, today I am not going to tell you anything new about Kitten.  I noticed that there are a couple of post that I wrote a while back that didn't get a lot of attention that I think are quite funny.  

If you missed them, take a look!

... and they came and they left tokens of their appreciation.

This is the story about how a loaf of bread from a failed attempt to make a sandwich out of Kitten turned my balcony into a mecca for pigeons.

Clementine: Tasty Treat or Enemy?

This is a video of Kitten eating a clementine.  He manages to pick it up with his paw to lick it.  It is weird.

[Fun Fact: On this day in 1969, the Boeing 747 made it's debute -- In case you cared]

Survival of the Fittest: Video Edition

I am artificially keeping Kitten alive.  No, this does not mean that I have Kitten hooked up to some sort of cat life-support system with a morphine drip and feeding tube (though I have given Kitten morphine before).  What I mean is, that there is no chance, not even a sliver of a possibility, that Kitten could live in the wild (urban or otherwise).

I know I have written on similar topics before. Select examples include: Kitten has an Intellectual Disability,  Kitten Almost Died, RIP Cheap Entertainment Unit Door, and 5 Reasons Kitten would not Survive the First Week of a Zombie Apocalypse.

But I still feel like without some concrete evidence, it is difficult for people who do not personally know Kitten to fully grasp how dumb he is.

To help you better understand the level of Kitten’s inability to function as a living being, I have compiled this brief and very incomplete video collection of Kitten’s shortcomings.

Kitten loves to chase things, however, he has little concept of how to come to a proper stop and also forgets very quickly why he was running in the first place.

This is how Kitten eats.  It involves a lot of weird jerky head movements and inability to actually get any food in his mouth.

Kitten will not let me brush him and since the following is his idea of bathing, he ends up covered in mats, necessitating stupid haircuts.  Please note that this is actually the full extent of Kitten’s concept of what constitutes appropriate personal-hygiene measures.

Kitten does not understand object permanence (or in this case, world permanence).  To be fair, neither do babies.  But, even minimally sentient beings often understand that they can escape from underneath blankets.  Kitten does not.  If you put a blanket over Kitten, he will stay they until you take it off.  He accepts that warm darkness has become his life, and at a certain point will begin to welcome it.  That point is at 1:29 in this video, where Kitten begins to purr in his dark sanctuary.   

In the same vein, Kitten simply does not get what is happening when you put something as small as a washcloth over his face.  It is basically the end of the world.

Kitten has a love-hate relationship with cat toys.  He loves to chase them, but has an irrational fear of being chased/attacked/murdered by them.  He doesn’t understand the concept of “play.”

Bags. Kitten loves bags. I know I have said this many, many, many, times (and once more).  But Kitten’s favourite home has always been and forever will be, a crusty paper bag.

It is basically a miracle that he remembers to breath.

Adventures in Cat-Sitting

Hello there, readers of "Kitten the Cat"! My name is Elena and I am a friend of Catherine's from law school. I am temporarily taking over this blog in order to share my harrowing experience cat-sitting a creature known as Kitten.

He looks so innocent, doesn't he?

A few weeks ago, Catherine told me she was going away to a music festival and that she was a bit concerned about who would be available to watch over Kitten while she was away. As a cat-lover whose pet is currently across the continent, I jumped at the chance to take care of the little guy. "Are you sure?" asked Catherine hesitantly. "Yeah! Totally!" said poor, naive past-Elena. What a maroon.

As I am an over-user of gifs, I will use them to explain the range of emotions that I experienced throughout my mis-adventure in the land of Kitten.

This past week, the time finally came for me to enter the Thunderdome. Turning the key into Catherine's apartment, I was very excited. One could say "Jonah Hill in 'Get Him to the Greek' Excited". I entered to find Kitten looking like this:

Displeased? 

I wondered what his expression meant. Was Kitten showing me his stink eye? Was his face just like that? I then attempted to feed my new ward. He refused to ingest anything. My mind raced. Also my face contorted into this. What if Kitten was suffering Catherine withdrawal? What if he stopped eating? Do they make teeny tiny cat IVs? Was he just upset I picked him up and cuddled him like a baby?

"I am going to starve myself out of spite muhahahahahahha"

I then decided to wait around for a while to make sure he ate something. After about 20 minutes of sitting on the couch, Kitten came, sat down next to me and purred. I was delighted. One could say "Jason Segel in 'How I Met Your Mother' Delighted". Being a law student, I then assessed this situation critically. Was Kitten really happy, or did he just dislike loneliness? After a quick text-poll, my friends were leaning towards the former. One friend quipped that Kitten is quite dumb and that he was probably not smart enough to have feelings. That friend is rude. 

Kitten then stood up and crawled onto my leg. "How cute! He's going to cuddle with me!" I thought. Kitten then proceeded to knead me like dough...for several minutes. I then had another moment of confusion. I wanted to tell Kitten,"little buddy, you know my leg is not going to get any softer, right? Haha... hah" 

"Kneading"

You're probably wondering "hey Elena, why did you put quotation marks around the word 'kneading' and then italicize it? Because that's all he was doing right? He just wanted to cuddle? Nothing odd about that. Kitten is neutered so there could be no alternate reason for him to slowly and sensually massage your leg with his soft UGG boot-like paws while he's flexing his hind legs and pumping his lower body OH GOD HE WAS HUMPING YOU THAT ENTIRE TIME, WASN'T HE?"

You guys. This was awkward. Like... "Steve Buschemi at the Golden Globes" awkward. Kitten: heheh. My friends: oh dear.

Yep. That's right blog readers. I was sexually molested by a neutered cat. Now... I'm used to cats taking a  liking to me. I am known to many friends as a "cat whisperer" due to my ability to attract neighbourhood cats to me every time I go out.

Exhibit A. 

Exhibit B. 

Exhibit C. 

I was not used to this type of attention though.

Much like if the eunuch from Game of Thrones decided to rest his hand on Sansa Stark's thigh, the humping experience was bewildering and a little creepy. After I told Kitten "no" the first time (foreshadowing!) and brushed him aside, he decided to lay in front of me displaying himself for a full five minutes. Not moving. Just blinking. And watching me. If Kitten was a human, this would be the equivalent mental image you would have right now: yeppppp.

"Do you like what you see female human?"

Kitten then upped his creepy flasher vibe by licking himself and loving it.

"Tastes like cat pee"

Once Kitten saw that I was not impressed by his antics, he decided to come back on the couch and snuggle with me.

Awwwww. 

He then of course decided to start molesting me again, because if at first you don't success, try, try again! To make things creepier, every time I would push Kitten off, he would get upset. Suffice it to say that the play-by-play to my friends via text was both hilarious and extremely weird.

"I don't understand why you're not cool with this."

The face of a predator. 

I returned the next day and of course, Kitten continued his advances. This time I caught him in the act:

Not one to give up on new friends that easily, I decided to Google Kitten's little issue. I then found out that Kitten's behaviour is not uncommon in neutered cats who just want a bit of extra attention. My heart swelled. Kitten didn't want to mate with my leg! He just wanted to really let me know how special I should think he is.

With this new knowledge, I decided to distract my little cat friend with my proven scratching technique (patent pending).

"Why... why are you bringing your naked paws near my glorious mane?"

"What... what kind of demon magic is this? Are you a witch? Reveal yourself!"

"Oh... oh this is nice."

Once we were officially friends, we (well, pretty much mostly me) decided to have a little fun:

"This is to get back at me for the humping, isn't it?" 

I am happy to report that Kitten and I have gotten over our awkwardness and we are now buds.

Kitten's face not indicative of lack of awkwardness.

Mission Impossible

Remember that time I wrote about how Kitten destroys every living thing he can set his paws on?

Or the time I got Kitten some cat grass in hopes that he would stop trying to eat the only plant left in my apartment?

Well this is a story about that plant. That sad, sad plant. 

The plant lives behind my TV and is elevated by a small stool and a pile of old textbooks. The plan is to coax the plant into growing up the wall. But Kitten is thwarting this plan. 

Even though the TV is on an angle, essentially blocking off the corner that the plant is in, Kitten finds ways to jump up on the ledge of the cheap entertainment unit that supports the TV and eat that poor, poor plant.

First, I tried blocking both "entrances." I placed a wooden statue on one side and fully opened the kitchen door on the other:

Unfortunately, and to my surprise, Kitten actually learned how to open the door to get to the plant. This came as quite a shock since I still stand by the fact that Kitten is intellectually disabled.

I tried placing my backpack in the space, thinking that he wouldn't figure out how to jump over it and onto the ledge.

I was wrong.

Again.

Kitten learned how to open the door and manoeuvre around the backpack.

I started placing textbooks in front of the door to keep it in place. This seemed to work for a few weeks and I started to think that Kitten had given up on getting to the plant. I eventually removed the textbook and just tried to remember to keep the door closed.

Then, a few days ago, I was woken up by a large crashing sound. I often sleep wearing earplugs, so this sound was undeniably loud to have woken me up. I assumed the noise was just Kitten being a jerk, but figured I should get up just to confirm it was nothing serious.

I walked around my dim apartment looking for what had make the sound. After seeing that everything was in it's place, I headed back to bed assuming the noise had come from a neighbours balcony.

Then I realized something was, in fact, amiss.

Kitten was not at my feet, nor was he running around in circles squawking, nor was he crashing into things in the Kitchen. If I can rely on Kitten for one thing, it is that he will, without fail, assume that if I am out of bed any time from 6:00am onwards, it must be to feed him.

It was 7:00am, and Kitten was not in sight.

I began to call his name. He didn't come. It then occurred to me that I should take my earplugs out. I then heard a faint scuffling sound coming from under the TV. I pulled the kitchen door open, which had been slightly ajar, to find the plant lying on the ground behind the TV along with a pile of books that had once been propping it up.

I can only assume that Kitten missed the jump to the plant, pulling the plant and books down with him. Kitten himself had some how slithered under the stool at the bottom and was lying there in a pathetic mess of failure and plant dirt. Sadly, this image went un-captured since I was eager to return to my sleep.



The next day I reinforced the kitchen door with my old Income Tax Act and made sure the statue on the other side was in place.

Everything was fine until two days later when I came home to find that Kitten had been at it again, this time tracking his evidence everywhere.

There was plant dirt and debris all over the apartment, yet the Income Tax Act was still in place.

Though Kitten may have proven that he can open a door, I was unconvinced that he could move the book, open the door, commit his act of mischief and then replace the book.

No, Kitten must had found a way around the wooden statue and then also figured out how to escape from behind the TV.

This was the story that I sat down to write. But as soon as I sat down to begin telling you about Kitten's mission of plant destruction, I heard a thud. Kitten had jumped past the statue in my very presence and had become lodged behind the TV.

After watching him struggle for some time and taking a short video of his misadventure, I pulled him out by the scruff of his neck.


I thought he had learned his lesson.


He had not.

It happened three more times in a row. 

I am not sure what to do. I used another book to block the statue side, but feel like this is only a very temporary solution; even if Kitten doesn't figure it out, I should probably actually do my Administrative Law readings sometime...

But I think Kitten will find another way. After placing the book there, Kitten has just been lying in front of the TV with a melancholy look of dispair on his face. I can't tell, because his eyes are blank and they always seem blank, but I think he is planning his next move.

I should also note that anytime Kitten does succeed in eating the plant, he vomits shortly after.

It seems hardly worth it.

But I guess I shouldn't  expect much forethought from this:

Freedom!

I'm back! Exams are done and I could not be happier.

Kitten stuck by my side, even when I yelled at him for knocking my highlighters on the floor and chewing on my summaries. 

But even Kitten started getting a little impatient with all of my studying...

At first, he tried lying on things that I needed, even though it was clearly very uncomfortable for him. 

Yup, I need that.

When he realized that I would not hesitate to move him off of the things that I needed, he resorted to giving me the stink-eye while I studied.

This was on the other end of the stink-eye.

And when I ignored the stink-eye, he tried convincing me that he was depressed. But I would catch him trying to secretly play with a ball and I knew the depression thing was just an act to guilt me into paying attention to him.  

After exams ended, I took the first day off to sleep until an excessively late time of the day (for me at least). This did not impress Kitten. Kitten had gotten very used to me waking up early and feeding him before I started studying.

Kitten tried may things to convince me to get out of bed that morning. First, he lay uncomfortably close to me, so that when I opened my eyes he was approximately two inches away from my face, staring right at me.

This did shock me a bit, but only enough to convince me to rise to use the washroom. Kitten practically flew to the kitchen when I got up, but when he realized that the kitchen was not my destination, he sulked back to the bedroom.

Next, he tried meowing halfway between the bedroom and the kitchen. I only find this funny, because not only does he never meow for long periods of time, but because his meow sounds like some sad squawk. He never really got the hang of meowing.

After this, he headed back into the bedroom to walk around/on my head and shortly after bit my arm. But this was my first morning off and I was not going to break.

His final attempt was to open the curtains by jumping up on the window ledge and pushing them to the side a bit. This was frustrating.

I am proud to say, Kitten did not win. I won. I slept in and fed him when I was ready to. It was a proud moment.

(Please note that Kitten had dry food at all times. Kitten just wanted wet food. My laziness did not lead to any actual deprivation.)

That's all for now, but I will leave you with these pictures of Kitten investigating my attempts at making my apartment a little bit prettier. He gets confused by new things.